


And The Stars Are Black and Cold

by Handful_of_Silence



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Angst, BAMF!Carolyn, Emotional Whumpage, Gen, Homelessness, Poverty, Prompt Meme Fill, Screenplay/Script Format, paternal!Douglas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-14
Updated: 2012-06-16
Packaged: 2017-11-07 17:32:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/433648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Handful_of_Silence/pseuds/Handful_of_Silence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, it's ok to need help even if it's not offered aloud. Martin learns that there will always be someone there to hold out a hand and help him back on his feet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Scene 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Good ol' Martin angst. I'm in the mood for it, so show me what you can do, you wonderful writers! Maybe he gets kicked out of the student flat, or is hurt on a removal job, or has an argument with his brother and sister - I don't care how you do it or dark you make it, simply as angsty as possible (and if you could get some paternal!Douglas in there, I will love you forever - or slash, if you are more inclined)
> 
> AN: Title pulled from the lyrics of 'Javert's Soliloquy ' from the Les Miserables score, with the fantastic Roger Allam playing Javert.

*  
 _I am reaching, but I fall, and the stars are black and cold as I stare into the void._  
*

 

**SC1**

[GERTI cockpit. It is halfway through flight]

DOUGLAS  
OK, Martin. The seat-belt sign has been on for over an hour now. And you know what that means...

MARTIN  
Douglas....

DOUGLAS  
Optimal conditions, I'm told. Arthur's already been around with drinks, and the man on row F seems to have been remarkably thirsty judging by the amount of times he's clicked the call button for more of the complimentary champagne. He's lucky he's a well-paying customer, Carolyn's never usually so free with the alcohol, not to clients at least. Still, it means he'll be getting remarkably wriggly about now. 

MARTIN  
No, Douglas. We are _not_ playing passenger derby. Not today. 

ARTHUR  
[coming in]  
Chaps? Seatbelt sign's still on. 

DOUGLAS  
It's intentional I assure you. 

ARTHUR  
Oh, brilliant! Derby time! It looks like a good one today - the man in row F is getting all squirmy and writhey. He starting to look like the hungry caterpillar, what with the sort of desperate glances he's shooting at the toilet cubicle. 

DOUGLAS  
Am I supposed to understand that reference? Or is it, I am ashamed to say, the terminology from an underground clique of avid readers of such larval adventures, the knowledge of which myself in my ignorance will never attain?

ARTHUR  
You've never read 'The Hungry Caterpillar'?!

DOUGLAS  
I'm afraid such a landmark of literature must have passed me by. 

ARTHUR  
But it's brilliant!

DOUGLAS  
I imagined it would be. Anything other than 'brilliant' and I might start getting worried. 

ARTHUR  
So we playing then? Can I be commentator?

MARTIN  
No. No, we're not playing. 

ARTHUR  
Oh, but Skip! 

MARTIN  
No, Arthur! [pause] I'm sorry... just, not today. 

ARTHUR  
[dejected] Oh, alright then, Skip.

MARTIN  
[hastily] Next time. I promise you can be commentator next time. And you can make up all their running names, if you want?

DOUGLAS  
God forbid, we reach the imaginary heights of 'The Hungry Caterpillar Man' next time.

ARTHUR  
[brightens up] Cor, really Skip? That'd be fantastic!  
[distant shouting]  
Hang on. I'll go see what Mum wants.

MARTIN  
[clicking sound]  
Seatbelt light off. Altimeter and aneroid barometer showing correct atmospheric pressure.

DOUGLAS  
You're unusually adamant today, Martin. I was assured that the competition between the Hungry Caterpillar Man and the woman who appears to have painted herself scarlet with sunburn from her sojourn in Tenerife would have gone down in derby legend. It would _at least_ have been worth a bet over the brie. 

MARTIN  
I didn't _want_ to bet on the cheese tray. 

DOUGLAS  
Afraid your usually so reliable luck would squander your rations of Emmental?

MARTIN  
Yes... I mean, no, no, I just thought that _someone_ should maintain a level of professionalism around here, that's all. 

DOUGLAS  
You have yet again shamed me with my conduct, oh wise one. 

ARTHUR  
[entering] Cheese tray, chaps!  
[door shuts again]

DOUGLAS  
…. Martin, I think you might start breathing those in if you eat any faster. 

MARTIN  
[mouth full] Mmm?

DOUGLAS  
Look.... look, slow down!... Good gracious, Martin, I don't think the cheese is on a time limit. I think you can take the opportunity to not swallow them whole. Dysons appear to have less suction power than you do. 

MARTIN  
[coughs, embarrassed] Sorry... just a bit peckish.

DOUGLAS  
I wouldn't call it peckish when you turn into the human equivalent of a hoover. [pauses] You are looking a bit peaky today, you know. Not that I often pay much attention to your usually flushed complexion, but I could probably play dot-to-dot with your abundant freckles with all the colour you've got in your cheeks. 

MARTIN  
Douglas!

DOUGLAS  
I'm just saying! Between you and Jack Frost I think you get the most points for trying to emulate the skin tone of a snowman. 

MARTIN  
I'm just... I'm just tired alright? I-I didn't sleep well. 

DOUGLAS  
Van business doing ok?

MARTIN  
What? What do you mean, why do you ask? It's fine, of course it's fine. Why wouldn't it be?

DOUGLAS  
I was merely enquiring. The number of van removal jobs around the Fitton area I'm assuming is not the most stable of markets, especially when it relates directly to your bank balance. 

MARTIN  
Well, I'm doing _fine_ , Douglas. It's a bit... quiet, but it often is this time of year. It'll pick up at half term, always does. [checks gauges] We're coming up to the airfield now, I better give the cabin address.


	2. Scene 2

**SC2**

[Martin is talking into his phone. The other side of the conversation is not heard]

MARTIN  
... I'd just be a couple of days, I wouldn't be a bother... I wouldn't be asking you.... Oh, I know you've got the kids, Simon, but it's just the sofa, really... I know you're busy, but i-it wouldn't be forever, please... No, I've already tried Caitlin... [pause] Right, no, it's ok. I wasn't really expecting you to say yes anyway. It's not like it's important anyway. No, Simon, it's _fine_. I wont bother you anymore.   
[cuts connection]  
[to himself] For God's sake, pull yourself together. You're the captain. [shaky breath] It'll be fine, you'll work something out...

[footsteps]

MARTIN  
Ah, Carolyn, hang on a minute. I was – I was wondering whether I could talk to you. 

CAROLYN  
You may talk, yes. Listening and inclination to care however, is entirely another matter. My time is as ever a valuable commodity. Go on.

MARTIN  
I was just... I wanted to talk about... you know, when you said about the possibly of getting a wage...

CAROLYN  
Martin...

MARTIN  
You said you'd think about it, that's all, and I thought, since it's been a couple of months, maybe you'd given it some thought...

CAROLYN  
And I _have_ Martin! But the cheque-books just don't balance if I start bringing the wages of another pilot into the equation. We're running a deficit as it is. If I start paying you, then after a while you wont have a job to get paid _for_. 

MARTIN  
You pay Douglas! Is it really so hard to juggle the finances? You pay me _nothing_.

CAROLYN  
If you want your salary doubled...

MARTIN  
That's not funny Carolyn. 

CAROLYN  
Look, I know it's not ideal for you. I never actually thought that when I offered you zero pounds per annum as pay, I would find in you someone so desperate to be a pilot that you'd take it. 

MARTIN  
Well, you did. No one else was going to offer me any sort of piloting job, not with seven goes at the CPL. And so of course I was stupid enough to say yes. 

CAROLYN  
And MJN would be poorer without you. Not even flying as a matter of fact – the two pilot minimum really is a bother at times. 

MARTIN  
But it's been _years_ now – I would have at least thought you could give me _some_ financial recompense for the job I do. I work just as hard as Douglas does, it's not unjustified to ask for something. 

CAROLYN  
We're in the red Martin! I'm afraid that while we remain there, I can't possibly think of paying you a steady wage. Anyway, you're still a man-with-a-van, Fitton's finest and only so I'm told. We're on standby for the next few days, I'm sure you can take on a few removal jobs to boost up your funds. 

MARTIN  
It's not that easy Carolyn....

[phone rings]

CAROLYN  
I'm sorry Martin, but I've got to take this call. It's my odious toad of a husband trying to barter for GERTI again. I need a minute to think up suitably superior and condescending insults.   
[takes call, distanced] Hello, dear? Why yes, you are speaking to the _CEO_ of MJN...


	3. Scene 3

**SC3**

[Background sound of a hoover. DOUGLAS is just leaving GERTI]

CAROLYN  
[shouting over the hoover]  
Douglas! Douglas! For God's sake Arthur, turn that off for a minute!

ARTHUR  
[distantly]  
Sorry, mum!  
[hoover dies]

DOUGLAS  
You called, oh estimated leader?

CAROLYN  
Finally, the full attention of this company's illustrious first officer. Yes, I did. You left this on the flight deck floor. Arthur thought it might make an extravagant Frisbee for walkies with Snoopadoop, and I really, _really_ don't need to tell you about the unnecessary expenditure it would cost should this hat be damaged. 

DOUGLAS  
This isn't mine. 

CAROLYN  
What do you mean, not yours?

DOUGLAS  
Take a minute to note the obscene level of crispness such a hat has been brushed to attain, to the jealousy of OCD-sufferers everywhere. _And_ , should that fail to clue you in on the identity of the owner of such a gleaming item of clothing, you may also notice the excess of gold braid on this _captain's_ hat. Such a quantity of braid doesn't go well with my colours, I've been told. Gold is so very draining on the skin tone. 

CAROLYN  
You mean it's Martin's.

DOUGLAS  
I believe I do, yes.

CAROLYN  
 _Our Martin._ Being parted from _his_ hat. Dear me, wonders may never cease.

DOUGLAS  
Shocking as it may be, such a phenomena must be true. He must have forgotten it when he was leaving, he did appear to be a bit more flustered than is usual. We're on standby for the next few days anyway, and I would hate for you to be the one who had to deal with a tragically be-hatted captain on a non-fly day. If you give me the number of that student house of his, I'll call him over to mine to collect it. 

CAROLYN  
Alright … [pauses] Look, Douglas... I would, if I may, request a favour from you. Repeat a word of this conversation to anybody, mind you, and you might find your cheese portions spiked with something non fatal but with frankly hilarious results – for me, not for you – but... check on Martin would you? Make sure he's alright? 

DOUGLAS  
For fear of such mysterious reprisals upon my person, I can only hasten to obey.

CAROLYN  
I'm serious, Douglas. God knows he's a drip, but he's _my_ drip and this company's drip. And said drip appears to have been following the diet plan of a member of the undead, judging by how thin he's been getting. 

DOUGLAS  
Of the touch-him-and-you'll-cut-yourself variety. Yes, I'd noticed that too. I'm sure I got a shallow graze from brushing against his elbow the other day. 

CAROLYN  
 _Douglas_. Unless you want me to slip all manner of medications into your afternoon tea, I would ask you cut the hilarity and let the nice lady do the talking rather than the resoundingly unfunny pilot. I can't have Martin collapsing at the controls of GERTI – asides from it endangering _my_ plane, the insurance paperwork would be ridiculous, and I certainly would rather not have to fill it in when it can be avoided. 

DOUGLAS  
You know what he's like when he thinks someone's taking pity on him. He wont like me trying to interfere. 

CAROLYN  
I also know he wouldn't like being suspended and grounded for a week while he undergoes some forced and intensive food ingestion. Given the choice between dealing with you or being grounded from his beloved flying, I'm confident he'll see sense. The rest is up to you.

DOUGLAS  
Should he come round to collect his prized possession, I'll make sure he 'accidentally' finds himself intruding on my bachelor's dinner of a Chinese takeaway. It would of course, be rude of him to refuse, and lo and behold, it will just so happen that I've unfortunately ordered too much, and that it'll only go to waste if he doesn't eat it. 

CAROLYN  
That's the spirit. I'm sure a man of your persuasive talents will be able to convince him to shovel some of those artery-clogging e-numbers down his gullet. 

DOUGLAS  
I will certainly rise to the challenge. 

CAROLYN  
Thank you Douglas. [coughs] I'll go root out that number for you, I know I've got it somewhere...


	4. Scene 4

**SC4**  
[sound of the phone ringing, then the click of connection]

MALE VOICE #1  
[snappy] Yes? What do you want?

DOUGLAS  
Asides from a old fashioned dose of good manners, rare as they are, I'd like to talk Martin.

MALE VOICE #1  
Martin? Martin... [muttering] Stupid, bloody... need to keep track of everything around here...

FEMALE VOICE #2  
Here, you lazy arse, give me the phone. [crackles] Hello? Er, I'm sorry about that. Vince is tremendously hungover, serves him right, and has forgotten about how to use his pitiful social skills around the rest of the normal population. Who you after?

DOUGLAS  
Martin. Tell him his first officer requests his presence with the utmost urgency. 

FEMALE VOICE #2  
Oh! You must be Douglas then. 

DOUGLAS  
My, I didn't realise my fame had spread all the way to the upper echelons of the agricultural college. Should I be flattered?

FEMALE VOICE #2   
[laughing] Marty mentioned you in passing. I don't know anyone else who fits the profile of smug and charming at the same time. The stories he told us all about that time you guys got stuck in Douz...

DOUGLAS  
As much as I'd love to hear of how much the good and valiant captain has been praising my virtues into the lore books of student legend, I'd rather talk to the man himself. Is he in?

FEMALE VOICE #2  
Haven't you got his new contact number?

DOUGLAS  
What do you mean? 

FEMALE VOICE #2  
Marty doesn't live here anymore, does he? 

DOUGLAS  
I'm sorry, my dear, I think you've got me a bit confused, or are perhaps dazzled by talking to such a celebrity as myself. This is Parkside Terrace, correct? You've got a plane-obsessed ginger pilot boxed into the attic flat. He'll answer with a raise of his hand if you ask for Martin Crieff, or one of those funny little whimpers of pride if you are one of the rare people to ever rightly mistake him for captain. 

FEMALE VOICE #2  
We _had_. Got kicked out about a month ago. I'm surprised the landlord managed to find someone else to take that room actually, I swear it's got damp set into the walls....

DOUGLAS  
Hang on a minute. Words can be so deceptive, I may have misheard – did you say a month? 

FEMALE VOICE #2  
Yeah. His van failed the MOT see, so he couldn't take any removal jobs. He was behind on the rent as it was, so that was kinda the last straw. Landlord gave him his notice and twenty-four hours to sling his hook. We all helped him lug his mattress into the back of his van when he moved out. Well, me and Teresa did, Vince just kind of sat there...

DOUGLAS  
[interrupting] Where is he now?

FEMALE VOICE #2  
Dunno. He said something about trying to find another job, but can't see how anyone's going to offer him one, what with no fixed address. 

DOUGLAS  
Haven't you see him at all?

FEMALE VOICE #2  
He was in the dry cleaners the other day getting his uniform done. Look, he said he was fine, said he'd found somewhere to stay and that he'd got a bit of money from selling all the tools in his dad's old van, just that the washing machine was broken and he needed his uniform cleaned, none of us thought anything of it at the time...

DOUGLAS  
And now? Do you have any idea where he is now?

FEMALE VOICE #2  
His van's parked up over on the intersection before the bridge going out of town. Probably couldn't even sell it for scrap. [distressed] I assumed he'd bunkered down on one of your couches, I had no idea you didn't even know...

DOUGLAS  
Look, I've got to go. I'll sort this. If you see him, tell him to call me ok? [cuts connection]  
[softly] Oh, Martin, you bloody idiot. 


	5. Scene 5

**SC5**

[ringing phone]

CAROLYN  
Arthur! Arthur, the phone! [grumbles] Good grief, that boy... [picks up, says brightly] Good evening, Knapp-Shappey residence, Carolyn Kn – 

DOUGLAS  
I know who you are Carolyn, you can cut the introductions. 

CAROLYN  
Ah, Douglas. And to what to I have to owe the pleasure? Don't tell me you've already overfed Martin so much that he's been rushed into hospital to have his stomach pumped. You know that it will make me a very unhappy old lady if this company's only captain isn't able to make the Vancouver flight on Sunday because of a couple of Tikka Masala's and a bakery's worth of naan bread...

DOUGLAS  
Listen for a minute will you? He's not at home. He _hasn't_ been for the last month. 

CAROLYN  
I'm afraid I don't quite follow...

DOUGLAS  
 _Martin_ , Carolyn. He's been thrown out on his ear from the student house. I called, and they said they hadn't seen him for weeks. 

CAROLYN  
But that's _impossible_. I saw him today, and so did you – we would have noticed if he'd been made homeless. Thin as he may be, and as much as he has the aura of a kicked dog hanging about him, he hardly looks like he's been sleeping rough down in the alley behind the Chinese. Anyway, he would have told us something, it's not the sort of thing he could keep quiet for very long. You know how vocal he can be when he's unhappy.

DOUGLAS  
No, you see, I don't think he would have told us. Gave us signs certainly, whether intentionally or not, and we've been seeing them without realising; the weight loss, the tiredness, the way he's been shambling down the flight deck like an extra from a George Romero movie...

CAROLYN  
[quietly] ...He was asking about wages today.... I didn't think... I mean, good lord, the boy looked desperate...

DOUGLAS  
The signs were all there. We just didn't read them properly. Martin didn't ask for help because that's the kind of stubborn moron he is, and we're the only ones who would have noticed if he'd needed it. [sigh]. So now we need to fix it, don't we? Because he's proud and stupid and out there all alone, and we're all he's got, lord help him.

CAROLYN  
I don't suppose you've installed a tracking device in his shoes or anything like that? He hasn't left us a forwarding address to find him.

DOUGLAS  
I think you're maybe mistaking me for James Bond. Funny enough, I was just lamenting not installing a Martin-tracking Sat Nav into the Lexus the other day. 

CAROLYN  
What do we do then?

DOUGLAS  
[sobering up] Right, OK – we need a plan of action. As bright as his hair is, it wont act like a shining beacon to guide us, so we're going to have to do a bit of legwork for this. Carolyn, I want you to rummage around in those personnel files of yours that you've probably got stuffed down the back of the sofa. Find Martin's and search out who his emergency contact is down as, he must have one. I'm guessing on one of my fanciful whims that it's one of his decidedly absent siblings, but in any case, give them a call, see if he's camped out getting backache from sleeping on their sofas. I'm going to head on over to the bridge do a spot of van-hunting. Students said they saw it parked up on the roadside. 

CAROLYN  
His van? How could that help us? He's not exactly going to leave a map in the glove compartment for us to find him, you know, X marks the spot and all that malarky. 

DOUGLAS  
Because, while I can only make a humble educated guess, I would imagine that if he's not managed to commandeer a sofa successfully, and he certainly doesn't appear to have resorted to packing newspaper into his clothes and roughing it down the back alleys of Fitton, he'll have regressed to a much more familiar environment – namely, the back of his van. A stationary home-from-home if you will. 

CAROLYN  
But it's freezing outside Douglas. 

DOUGLAS  
Which is why I need you to get onto his brother and sister pronto, right this very instant or as close to this instant as you can make it. It's going to be a cold night out there tonight.


	6. Scene 6

**SC6**

CAROLYN  
[on the phone, talking quietly] You mean to tell me, and dear, don't interrupt me because while I am angry now, I'm just getting started, and if you try my patience then God help your poor little shattered eardrums when I am finished with them....you mean to tell me that not only did my captain _call_ you, explain his situation, and practically begged you for help – but you then told him you were too busy. My, my, the Crieff household places its values of family relationships high up in the table chart of importance, doesn't it Simon – may I call you Simon? I think I will. [sweetly] Now we're on first name terms, _Simon_ , let me make myself very very clear, so please apply all the energy that your few remaining brain cells can rustle up to what I am saying, enunciating my words quite carefully mind you, so you can't possibly misunderstand me. If any harm befalls Martin, if he gets so much as a sniffle from being out there on his own, if so much as one Lemsip has to pass his lips, I will find some way to make you regret it, you understand me?... Good. Oh, I'm so glad we've had this tête-à-tête, aren't you? Till next time then.  
[disconnects]

[phone ringing]

CAROLYN  
Douglas? It's Carolyn. I'm just off the phone to the snivelling slimeball who calls himself Martin's brother. Wonderful family, I'm so glad Martin has received absolutely none of their genes or personality features. He's not there or at the sister's. Apparently Martin called him today, and told him he was sleeping in his van. Simon unfortunately was rather too... preoccupied to help his younger brother. 

DOUGLAS  
[over the phone] The one thing that's bolstering my hopes is the cheering thought that I might one day meet this Simon fellow. I wonder how he'd look with a black eye. 

CAROLYN  
Alright, Bronson, hold your horses until we've found our captain, and then the world's your oyster. You can give him two, co-ordinate the colour scheme a bit. 

DOUGLAS   
I'm coming up to the bridge now, I'll call you back.   
[phone disconnects. Sound of a car swerving, and the door opening.]

[Noise of rushing water]

DOUGLAS  
Martin... MARTIN!

MARTIN  
[groans] Go away Douglas. 

DOUGLAS  
Martin! What the _hell_ are you doing? I went to your flat, they said you'd been kicked out...

MARTIN  
Landlord finally got fed up with my excuses. Can't say I was all that surprised, he's been saying it for a while...

DOUGLAS  
But a whole _month_...

MARTIN  
Been sleeping in the back of my dad's van. [wryly] Least it was useful for something. Wonder whether this how he imagined his son would end up using it.

DOUGLAS  
Martin... come away from the railing, it's unsteady as it is, and you're too close to the edge. I'm sure we can sort something out, but in the meantime, less of the posture like you're limbering up for a dive into the river, ok?

MARTIN  
[distantly] You see that down there, Douglas? All that water? I've never really been a big fan of water, always been trying to get off the ground not sink down under it, but there's something... peaceful about it. Quiet. You'd think you could disappear under it, and no one would ever notice... [murmured] You think anyone would notice if I did? 

DOUGLAS  
I'm afraid I'm going to have to revoke your not-an-idiot status, if you're even _thinking_ about doing something as rash and irresponsible as jumping...

MARTIN  
[sharp laugh] Course not. Too much of a coward. I'd most likely botch it like I do everything else. Wouldn't even be able to excel in killing myself with my luck, I'd just get my uniform all soggy.

DOUGLAS  
Look, come away from the side ok? We can talk about this...

MARTIN  
What's there to talk about anymore? I'm so _tired_ of talking – of trying and fighting to stay afloat and falling back every single time. [distressed] God, I am just such a _failure_ Douglas! All my life, that's what everyone's been telling me, only I didn't believe them, did I? I told myself I'd show them, prove to them that I wasn't useless, everyone who laughed at me, everyone who told me I wouldn't make it, said to myself that one day I'd be a captain and then they'd all have to see that they were the ones that were wrong, not me. It took me _years_ to be a pilot, years and years, but I told myself that next time I would get there, next time I'd succeed. A-A-And now I know they were all right, weren't they, all that time? My dad, Simon, Caitlin... I got to be a pilot, but I'm still a failure. A uniform and epaulettes don't change that. I'm just...stupid little Martin, the kid who thought he could be someone. And now [voice breaks], now I've got _nothing_. I _am_ nothing. 

DOUGLAS  
You're still the captain...

MARTIN  
[wretched] It's a hobby, Douglas! Driving my dad's damn van was my _job_ and I couldn't even do that right. Jesus, I bet he's bloody smirking in his grave.

DOUGLAS  
Why didn't you tell anyone? Did you not even think to, perish the thought, _ask_ for help?

MARTIN  
I-I called Simon and Caitlin, asked to stay with them for a couple of weeks. But they said they were busy, and that they didn't have time for my problems, not that they've ever had time, and _then_ , I – I didn't know how to tell you or Carolyn. I didn't want to see the pity, I-I-I didn't want you to know how worthless I was: because wh-when I'm flying with _you_ , and _Carolyn_ , and _Arthur_ , I feel like I belong somewhere. I'm still 'Skip' even if I am living out of the back of a broken van and washing my uniform at the dry cleaners with the money I got from selling the tools. A-And I thought I'd be able to get out of it! Thought it wouldn't be permanent, that I'd get a job, any job, and be back on my feet. But of course I don't have an _address_ , and I can't work full time because I'm flying GERTI, and no-one wants to employ a homeless pilot with no prior experience in anywhere other than in avionics.   
[pauses, voice cracking] I just didn't know what to _do_.

DOUGLAS  
Martin, please. Come away from the side. You're shivering, and while I don't trust your sure footing at the best of times – let's be honest, you've got all the grace and steadiness of a Robin Reliant – I'd still rather my captain didn't accidentally stumble over the side into a shockingly icy February river. It would be a rather unremarkable end to your career. 

MARTIN  
[whispers] What do I do, Douglas?

DOUGLAS  
You're asking my opinion?

MARTIN  
I'm asking.... I'm asking for _help_. It sounds so pathetic, doesn't it? 

DOUGLAS  
It's not pathetic to need someone once in a while. You're my friend, Martin. You aren't pathetic or worthless or a failure, and you are most certainly not nothing. You've hit a bad patch in a road full of them, but it doesn't mean you should feel like you've failed. You should have seen me after the first Mrs Richardson left me. I was a mess, a bona fide disaster, waiting to end up some drunk in the gutter, but someone helped me sort myself out, get back on my feet and off the drink. And now that I know what you're going through, I can't just stand by and watch as you live off the cheese tray and Arthur's surprise specialities. It's nigh on barbaric. Arthur's food will kill you faster than starvation ever could. So come over here, away from the side....There, that's better. Ooof, careful with your step there. Gracious me Martin, you can barely stand. 

MARTIN  
Legs tend to be a bit numb when you've been standing out in the minus temperatures [pause] Er, Douglas?

DOUGLAS  
Yes, Martin. 

MARTIN  
Why are you hugging me?

DOUGLAS  
I'm told, though I may be mistaken, that it's a suitable social response for when you've been worried about someone. 

MARTIN  
You were worried about me?

DOUGLAS  
Sometimes I think you're almost a big a clot as Arthur. Yes Martin, I was. And I'm enough of a man to be able to give my half frozen skin-and-bones idiot captain a hug to show that without feeling too much in touch with my feminine side. 

MARTIN  
Oh.... It's nice. The hug, I mean. I don't get many of them. My dad was never one for physical affection, and Simon and Caitlin... well, you get the idea. 

DOUGLAS  
It's never too late to become accustomed to them. But I think that might be enough for a bit, because do you want to know what we're going to do now? 

MARTIN  
[tiredly] Surprise me.

DOUGLAS  
It's a simple procedure. Step-by-step, you'll like it. First, you are going to put on the hat you left on the flight deck this afternoon, here... There you go... and then take my jacket [rustle of cloth] and put it on – no buts Martin. 

MARTIN  
[shivering] I really wasn't going to complain.

DOUGLAS  
Good, first bit of sense you've had in a while. Right, you look more like a captain now rather than a bedraggled ginger mannequin. Is there anything you need from the back of your van? Personal belongings, valuables?

MARTIN  
Nothing. 

DOUGLAS  
Alright, now we're going to get you into the Lexus, because honestly, you look like you're going to drop and become a pavement ornament if you stay awake much longer. As much as I'd rather not have a frozen pilot inevitably drooling in his sleep on the leather seats I suppose in this instance I'll let it slide. Last time, you ate I'm guessing was your inhalation of the cheese tray, yes? When before that?

MARTIN  
[awkwardly] I... Monday I think. 

DOUGLAS  
[breathes in, before talking calmly] Tut tut. Starvation is not a good look this season, I'm told. And a four day gap between meals is in most people’s opinion, completely unacceptable, and while I am not most people, thank the gods, I would in this case heartily agree with them. Which is why you are going to come home with me. 

MARTIN  
Home? With – With you?

DOUGLAS  
I believe that was what I said, yes. After you've slept and regained the body temperature consistent with a healthy human male rather than one of Arthur's beloved polar bears, we're going to bombard that stomach of yours with everything that is in my fridge. It's a big challenge, but I'm sure you can step up to the plate. And then, once we've plundered those depths, we'll be heading a raiding party into the pantry and you are going to devour every last thing I put in front of you without question. We've still got a couple of days standby, so you are going to set up camp in my spare room until you find yourself back on your feet again, is that understood? I don't care how long it takes, my house is your house and all that spiel. Kapeesh?

MARTIN  
But I can't – I don't have any...

DOUGLAS  
I'm not expecting you to pay me anything Martin. My house is tailored to a specific clientèle of freckled red-headed pilots by the name of Martin, no questions asked and no down payment required. Board and bed provided, but if you want breakfast you're going to have to make it yourself – the last Mrs Richardson was the cook, and I'm not about to start learning how to make anything more strenuous than bacon and eggs. Now, are we clear?

MARTIN  
[sleepily] Completely.  
[murmurs]  
Thank you, Douglas.

DOUGLAS  
[gruffly] This is turning into enough of a Richard Curtis film as it is without you getting all sentimental on me. I have my long-standing reputation as a smooth-talking manipulator to maintain, you know. Can't have you ruining a lifetime's work. 

MARTIN  
Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. 

DOUGLAS  
I should hope so. Now come on. There's a leftover Tikka Masala in the fridge with your name on it. 


End file.
